blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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