He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Randomize
