seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
