Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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