question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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