i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
