My sheets look like a crime scene.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
