He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
