Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
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It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
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You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE