Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
