WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
