now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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