The maid of honor just puked.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
