PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
