11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
