I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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