That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
