my mouth tastes like poor choices
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
