Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
