Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
