Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
