i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
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There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time