Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Someone stole a lamp last night.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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