Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
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I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
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We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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