Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think my fart just growled at me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My dick has a subreddit
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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