We won't sleep together?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
