Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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