Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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