Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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