She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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