I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
