he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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