Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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