I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
