I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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