How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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