He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
