No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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