she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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