I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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