There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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