My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
