saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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