I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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