So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
