The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
