My sheets look like a crime scene.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
