YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
