Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
