Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just cut my nipple shaving
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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