Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
