If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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