Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
