Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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