i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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