I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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