Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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